cold December

I'll always remember this December of 2010. My best friend Sue died on the 7th. Her funeral was yesterday. Her poor mother looked so weak. Someone there said that they don't know how a mother buries her own child (this is her 2nd child to have buried), and then "goes on with their life".
I replied that I'm surprised that a mother who has buried her child can even stand on her own two legs sometimes, and have them hold her up. For some of us, Faith holds us up, though for me, it waivered after Dylan left, until I realized that God had NOT "CHOSEN" Dylan to die that day. The doctors LET him die and God accepted him right into heaven, where he had just come from. The service at the church was lovely, but the viewing, her laying there so cold and lifeless, I just kept expecting her chest to rise with a breath. I stayed all day in support of my Bestie's family whom I've known all of my life basically. Two people read poems, one person shared funny memories of Sue loving her presents on her birthday and Christmas and taking a pic with EACH gift lol. Then the cemetary. The cold, lonely cemetary. I find no peace when I go to visit my baby. I went last Friday to bring him his "gifts" for Christmas. How does a mother do that? How does she SURVIVE that? When we arrived yesterday, we pulled around to where all the beautiful, giant arrangements of purple flowers had been placed. Her final resting spot near to her older brother Jimmy and her maternal grandparents. Silver casket engraved with words on the top that I can't even remember right now. The wind blew so hard during the graveside service, everyone's teeth were chattering. Then back 20 miles to the church for a luncheon which was very nice.
I'll miss you girlie and I'll love and remember you always. Thanks for always being my friend. No drama, no stress, no strife. Just so easy to be around. Thats how I'll remember you. Sure there were times when I wish you had done some things differently towards your own body, your own mind and health, but I wouldn't change a thing that you've ever made ME feel. Always content and relaxed around you. Thats RARE.
My Christmas tree at our house this year has 700 PURPLE lights in memory of you, Sue and it looks beautiful,just as I will always remember you , beautiful, carefree and loving. I told your mom yesterday that I've always been your friend and that I'll continue to love you and be your friend.

driving,shopping and decorating

Today after work I drove to the mall to get a sweater for my Mom. While at work, I planned the route I would take. Not an easy route by any means. The quickest way to get to the highway that I needed to be on was to drive by the cemetery. The one where my baby Dylan is. My MIL is there too. When I started the car in the parking lot at work, I took a deep breath and pulled out. About ten minutes later, I was driving past St. Thomas. As I approached, my mind just sort of fuzzed out and I felt sick to my stomach and I glanced in towards his headstone. That is absolutely something that NO baby or child should have. A headstone. I physically felt my heart sink as I drove by and now as I type too. Once I got onto the highway Rt. 1, I headed towards the mall and got a close spot to park and went right in and found a sweater for my mother within 2 minutes. That part was good. I even kept looking around for a few minutes to see if I could find something else, but paid for and left with the one that I really wanted for her.
As I drove home, I cried and blared the music and sang each song out loud all the way home at the top of my voice.
It's so draining. So emotionally draining. I rested for a bit when I got home, and B came home from school. We went out for a little dinner and picked up his best friend to spend the night here. I've been decorating for Christmas for the past 2 1/2 hours trying to get as much done asap so I can sit and try to enjoy it instead of these past years of it taking sooooo long to get things up and ready and by the time I'm done, it's time to take it all down. I'm trying to brace myself for the days ahead. My hubby is going away for a week, he does it each year usually at this time. It's hard with him away, even though I don't see him much Mon-Fri anyway. At least I know he's nearby at work, or here at home while I'm sleeping.
So I must prepare for all that is "planned" in the days to come. A little more shopping to do, lots of wrapping (I'm thankful for the people that I can buy gifts for!) , and more decorating to do as well as getting the fresh cut tree and placing about 230 ornaments all specially chosen from a specific place we've been so we can remember it always. and of course the sweet ones for Dylan. Half the Christmas stuff is down from the attic , scattered all over the living room and dining room, so I'd better get back to it.