Christmas season

I've started my holiday shopping as of today. While in the toy section, my heart was already heavy, missing my Dylan boy and the song came on the radio. HIS song, the song we associate with our boy in heaven. Drops of Jupiter by Train. I kind of slowed down my cart and breathed in deeply. Every day is hard without him, his birthday is especially hard. (It's his angel day too) but Christmas Day is so very hard, to even get out of bed, I want to, and I know I need to, but my body is so exhausted by that time that I have to really drag myself up out of it. Perhaps it's more mental exhaustion than physical. In fact, I'm sure that it is. This time of year is so hard on grieving parents. Dylan's been back in heaven for over  9 years now , I'm sure that people think that time has healed me, or whatever. It hasn't. My son still isn't here and I STILL want him here. That won't ever change, no matter how much time goes by or what day it is.

friends

Just got off the phone with a friend. She's the type of friend who never knows what to say when I mention Dylan.
I told her that Brandon was at an observatory with the Scouts, my hubby is at work and I am getting ready to eat dinner. She said "by yourself"?, well, my other son is in heaven but he should be here , is what I wanted to say, but I just answered, yep...
Like I've said before, every DAY it's something that jabs at my heavy heart.

heavy hearted day

Along with how hard it was to go where I went earlier, tonight was rough too. A fellow Scout mom told me that her son is going camping next weekend, and will be "tent mates" with his "other friend". Thats fine, but it just makes me wonder if ANYONE ever thinks of Brandon being "by himself" at home and does that make them want to include him in other things. He's NOT an only child. He has a BROTHER.
Anyway, Brandon found out that another boy (B) is going, so they'll tent together this time.
AND.... saw the cub scout leader that Brandon used to have (He's a boy scout now, not a cub) and he offered to take Brandon to an observatory nearby on monday night. I asked him if "B" knew about the offer and he said, oh yeah, his little brother is still a cub, so they got the email. Dylan would be a cubscout TOO if he didn't die.
It hurt my heart, much like everything else is doing on this miserable day. I'm glad it's almost over.

R.I.P. Karen

I met my mom at the funeral home and we went in together. They had a collage of photos on a board on display. They were of the girl that I remember from years ago. There were pictures of her kids, including her baby son who passed away. Two of her kids were there, and one was in school.

Through another doorway, just behind the photo display was the room. You know, the room where they have the person laid out in the casket. I didn't go in at first, there were alot of people up front. So I took a seat and waited. Then there was only one person up there, so I headed that way. It was her sister Donna, she was sobbing and holding her sisters hand. I told her who I was and that I was sorry about her sister passing away. I only touched Karen's hand and it was ice cold. How awful a thought of what happens to the body after death that they have to freeze you or refrigerate you to postpone the after effects.
I remember that coldness with my baby boy. Not at first, but on the last day that they brought him to us.
I remember it and I hate it. I hate all of this.
Her mother, oh her poor mother, was a mess. She said they still don't know what happened. It doesn't matter any way because nothing is going to bring her back. Not prayers, not tears, not screaming, not even a broken heart.

A new baby

A child was born today. He was a little over a week overdue, so they induced her, then did a c section because it didn't work. They were making sure of her and the child's safety. They took precautions. They made sure things went right. "They" are the killer hospital, the same place that LET MY CHILD DIE. They CAUSED his death.
Why aren't they so "safe" with every pregnant woman that comes in? Why aren't they so "safe" with EVERY BABY waiting to be delivered?
I'm glad her baby made it safe and sound. and I miss MY BABY.

funeral for a cousin

My cousin Karen's funeral is on Thursday. She was 34 and died on my husband's birthday.
I already told my boss so that part is taken care of. That's the easy part. Getting up and getting dressed and driving there isn't so bad either. But being there, seeing her parents, seeing her casket, seeing HER in it (if I go up all the way), thats the hard part. And knowing that my uncle Eddie and Aunt Mary will just never ever be the same again is the hardest part. Her obituary is in the paper today. She's back with her baby son Michael in heaven now, but she has kids here too, who will obviously miss her terribly. I'm going to meet my Mom at the funeral home and we'll go in together. My parents know how rough it is too, having had two boys die as infants. God, that even hurts to type it out! Die and infant or baby in the same sentence?!?!
Putting your own child in the ground changes the way you see things, the way you think, the way you breathe and the way your own heart beats. It just changes EVERYTHING.
Karen, You'll be missed and I wish I had seen you in these past ten years. I'll always remember you as young and pretty.