what halloween is for me

Halloween used to be a time when (if I was off from work throughout my early twenties), I'd drink and party with my friends. When I was a kid, it was trick or treating with my older sister throughout my younger childhood.Then I was old enough to go with my friends I guess.
After I had my first child, it was bringing him around in his cute little costumes in his stroller, or having him walk and one of us carrying him back home after he couldn't walk any more.
While pregnant with our second child, we imagined how it would be with both boys going around for candy in their costumes, together. (We imagined and dreamed of our lives together in every aspect, including all holidays big and small.

Then Dylan left, 3 days before he was due to be born that tragic summer day

So for a few years afterwards, we'd go it alone. I would cry my concerns to Steve and we'd head out.
Then Brandon met up with a friend one year and me and his mom walked all around with them. Then we met Brandon's best friend Daniel. He's gone with us once and last year we went with a mom friend and her two kids. Then Daniel this year. I try and make sure we're with someone so B can have more fun and for about 3 months before the day comes, I'm trying to figure out who that may be. Something I never thought I'd have to do. It's mentally exhausting. ALL of it, ALL year long too.
But I try to make it a nice day for my Brandon, his buddy even spent the night last night.
His brother should have been with us, running up ahead to get to the door first or maybe taking turns.
It's the not knowing, not having ANY memories that tears at my heart. We didn't even get one day, one minute.
Dylan's ever present absence makes my heart heavy , no matter what day or what time of year it is.
The holidays are coming up, God help us all. (moms of angels)

in sickness and in death

I went and saw one of my best friends on monday. I've known her for about 34 years.
Wednesday the 27th was her birthday, so i went a couple days early to see her and bring her flowers. She's sick. She drank too much Seagram's 7 over the past 20 years and her fucking liver doesn't work now. Her kidney's have shut down. She's on dialysis 3 times a week, for 3 hours each time. She told me that the dialysis is basically keeping her alive until she gets a new liver. She won't be put on the recipient list until she is alcohol free for 6 months. Thats this upcoming March.
I hope she gets one in time, and I hope it works well with her body and keeps her going for another 50 years. She just turned 40.
My Mom called me last night to tell me that my cousin Karen died yesterday. She's the mommy of an angel baby who died 15 years ago. His name is Michael. I have another cousin, Jessie, who died two years ago. She's also the mother of an angel baby named Kiersten who died of Sids about a year before her mother passed away. I have a sister who is the mommy of an angel too. Her baby "Stacey" died 1 year and 2 weeks before Dylan left. Does it ever end? Will ANYONE in our family get to grow old before they pass away? Anyone?????

pumpkins for my pumpkins

Tonight we're carving pumpkins. It's an annual tradition for our family at this time of year. I bought four pumpkins to carve. I also got two little ones for the front steps, one for each boy. The bigger pumpkin for Dylan, I was going to add a "tattoo" design of witch Hazel from Looney Tunes, but it wouldn't work. So my hubby is carving it. I felt like crying when he started it, so I came in the bedroom to take a break for a couple minutes. I like to set an example for Brandon that we will always include his brother who lives in heaven, in whatever we do, whenever possible. Anyone who asks about the pumpkins , I will share with them who made them, and who they're for. Brandon drew his design free handed, so did Steve, for his own and for Dylan's. For mine I used an intricate pattern which is considered challenging and it IS! It's an alien, who is kind of funky looking. I just have a little more to do and it will be done. They'll all be placed on the front steps with battery operated lights inside. Just another day in the life of an angel mommy.

It's something every day..

Today, a new girl at work asked, "What are your kids dressing up as for Halloween"?
*sigh*

She must not know.

So..... I answered, well Brandon will be a bloody skeleton creature. He usually doesn't dress as something gory or scary, but I got the costume on sale last year after halloween and he was ok with it.

I didn't tell her about our boy who isn't here. But I will. She was at the other end of the tables we sit at to take our break, too far for me to blurt out, our other son died just before he was born 9 years ago,so he isn't dressing up in a costume.

Every day it's something. Not something that reminds me, because I am constantly aware of his absence. It's well, I guess something that jabs at my heart. Every DAY.
Brandon doesn't get to Trick or Treat with his brother. He doesn't get to do anything with his brother. Sometimes we go it alone on halloween, which makes me sad. Sometimes he goes with a friend or two, which makes him happy, which in turn , makes me happy. This year, his best friend will spend the night before halloween and go around getting candy with us, and we'll miss our Dylan boy and wish he were here, just like we do every day of every week, of every month, of every year.
PS: We'll be trick or treating with a friend of mine and her son too!